191. Overcoming the Comparison Trap

Ep 191 Comparison

[00:00:00] Do you compare yourself to other dancers? Do you scroll social media or watch another dancer on stage, or maybe it's the dancer next to you in class and get frustrated or down on yourself? Comparison is one of the biggest challenges that dancers have to overcome. And we're going to get into it today. This is Passion for Dance. I'm your host, Dr. Chelsea and my mission is to create happier, more successful dancers. And when you are stuck in comparison, it's really hard to be happy and successful. Today, I'm going to talk about the psychology of comparison, why we do it, how it affects us. And then of course, I'll share some tangible strategies to shift your mindset when you feel stuck in comparison. Because if you can't overcome that sense of comparison, it will take a toll on your performance and your mental well-being.

And I want you to thrive and continue your passion for dance. And before we dive into the show today, I want to say hello to any new listeners. And thank you for being a part of the show. If you're new to the show today, or you found us recently, I have a [00:01:00] new resource for you. It's simply the new listener resource and it has my best recommendations for other podcasts or books to inspire you as well as all of my current free resources that you can download. It includes things like the competition, confidence checklist

or journal prompts for competition day. The resource is a Google doc because I'm constantly updating it and sharing new things for dancers and dance educators. So grab your copy and it will always update as new things are happening this year. You can get it at passionfordancepodcast.com. You'll see it right on the homepage.

And if you've been around for awhile, you might hear that new website and yes, the podcast has its own website. It's passionfordancepodcast.com.

It's up and running and an easy way to find old episodes and transcripts. Share episodes with your dancers. Send me questions that I can answer on the show and I hope you will check it out and share it with your dance family. Okay, let's get to talking about comparison so that when you finish this episode, you will have a clear understanding of [00:02:00] comparison and the tools to focus on your own growth this year.

Welcome to passion for dance. I'm Dr. Chelsea, a former professional dancer turned sports psychologist. And this podcast is for everyone in the dance industry who want to learn actionable strategies and new mindsets to build happier, more successful dancers. I know what it feels like to push through the pain, take on all the criticism and do whatever it takes to make sure the show will go on.

But I also know that we understand more about mental health and resilience than ever before. And it's time to change the industry for the better. This podcast is for all of us to connect, learn, and share our passion for dance with the world.

Comparison is a personal challenge for me, it's something I really struggled with as a dancer, and I continue to fight it as an adult, when I compare myself to other business owners, teachers and parents. It feels like it's always there. And I know many dancers and other teachers feel the same. So why do we do this to ourselves? Well, there are four main psychological [00:03:00] reasons that we compare ourselves to other people. And I think if you understand where it's coming from, it's easier to fight it.

The first thing is that we are trying to define ourselves. This is why comparison is particularly challenging for teenagers, because it's a time where you are trying to explore your own identity and figure out who you are.

So you look to other people to decide how you should define yourself. Psychologically. We want to understand who we are and how we fit in. So while we work that out, we look at other people. As dancers we compare in order to help us decide how we define ourselves within dance. So you might watch a beautiful contemporary dancer with long lines and graceful movement, and think I should be that kind of dancer. But then you watch a hip hop dancer with incredible musicality and think, oh, I should be that kind of dancer.

And you can see where it goes wrong. The more you look around and the more you try to be like every other dancer, as a way of deciding who you are, the more [00:04:00] you're going to get stuck. And of course I'll get to what to do about it, but that need to define ourselves is one of the biggest reasons we compare. So, if you were trying to figure out who you are as a dancer, that's when comparison is usually at its worst.

The second thing is that we compare as a form of baseline. When you were trying to decide, what are other high school seniors doing right now? How many competitions have they done? What choreographers have they worked with? When you were trying to figure out where you should be, and please hear the air quotes around should when you're trying to figure out where you should be, you compare to other people as your baseline, and it's often a really misleading baseline.

Thirdly, we compare to reduce uncertainty. Essentially, we want to know how we measure up. We want to be sure of our own abilities. So we compare to other dancer's abilities. The big mistake here is we tend to compare the things we struggle with to somebody else's [00:05:00] best. And of course that's never going to be a helpful comparison. So, if you're struggling with say going on point for the first time and you spend all your time watching principal dancers, or that year's winner of the Youth American Grand Prix, that's not an apples to apples comparison, but it's what we do. The goal is to reduce uncertainty and find out that there are other people just like me. That's the draw to it. But we often find people who are not just like us and then feel bad about our own abilities.

And finally we compare based on evolutionary needs and what psychologists call social conditioning. There are always social norms and expectations. That are reinforced by the culture you grew up in from a very young age. And we often compare within those norms and expectations. That can come from your geographic region, your religious culture, your racial culture, all of the big ones. But it's also true about the culture of your studio that you [00:06:00] grew up in, or the culture of the team that you're dancing with . Those norms can put pressure on your expectations of who you are, who you're supposed to be, and if you don't measure up, it's upsetting and disappointing. But that also assumes that we all fit into a box, which of course we don't.

So, how does all of this affect dancers? You probably feel it, comparison can have a very negative impact on your confidence, your ability to focus in class and your overall mental health. Commonly dancers compared to each other, when it comes to skills, awards, social media following, body image and progress, all of that can be devastating to your own personal growth and sense of success.

So, what do we do about it?

Well, you learn to shift your own mindset. Whenever you need to make a shift, it starts with recognizing your own comparison triggers. When do you start to compare yourself? Again, usually we do it around something that we feel insecure about. So do you [00:07:00] struggle with flexibility then you probably fall into comparison when in an especially flexible dancer is taking class next to you or they're competing on stage right before you. Do you struggle with turns, then you might fall into a rabbit hole of watching videos on tiktok with these incredible turn combinations and that triggers the negative emotions.

So start by reflecting a bit for yourself. What do you usually compare about when does it happen for you? And you can even take it one step further and make a note in your phone or write down what you're thinking about, anytime comparison comes up this week. Is there a pattern or a theme? What is your comparison trigger? What sparks that for you? Are you trying to figure out how you fit in? Are you trying to look for a baseline of where you think you should be? Try to notice when it comes up and it's about adopting a more growth oriented mindset and reframing comparison as inspiration rather than competition. This is much easier said than done, of [00:08:00] course, but you can learn to reframe each comparison as a source of inspiration.

Dancers, we often look outward to know if we are successful, to find out if we're accepted or if we fit in, we look for external benchmarks to see if we're doing well. What are other people my age doing? What have they accomplished that I haven't? Or external benchmark might be somebody else's approval. If you're waiting for your teacher's approval, the judge's awards, your parents' approval. That is an external benchmark. And the problem with that is you can't control other people. In our ever connected digital world, there will always be someone to compare yourself to on any benchmark of success. Or if you put that benchmark of success in someone else's hands, even someone you love and trust and care about it's outside of your control. And if that comparison is hurting your own focus and passion, it's time to set up personal benchmarks instead.

So let's talk about [00:09:00] some tangible strategies for getting out of comparison because it's going to happen, so let's make a plan. Here are four exercises that you can try.

Number one is to practice gratitude and notice the small wins. Acknowledge your own personal achievements and progress on a regular basis. Watch videos from six months ago and notice your growth. What can you do today that you couldn't do a year ago? And I also want to point out that sometimes maintaining a current level of something is a win. Maybe you've been regularly eating a healthy snack after school and feeling more energetic and fueled for class. Maintaining that practice is a win. Maybe you're taking better care of your body and recovering and resetting after a long competition weekend, that is a win and these small wins may not feel like progress per se, but it's also about celebrating consistency that is helping you.

Number two is something I have said many times, but control the controllables. [00:10:00] Focus on what is in your control and let go of the rest. You can't control other people's practice schedules, what resources they have or other opinions. You can only emphasize your own effort, your own habits and the systems that support you. So focus on what is in your control and whoever you're comparing yourself to is not in your control.

So you have to let that go.

And similarly take control of your environment. Get rid of things that are sparking the comparison where you can. This is where knowing where it comes from matters, because if you can do something to get it out of your environment, that can really help. That might mean curating your social media feed a little to surround yourself with positive inspiration. I actually did this a while ago. I had to silence a few accounts of people I admire and respect greatly, but every time I saw what they were doing, who they were working with, what they had accomplished, I noticed a sense of shame that I wasn't doing enough. So it was time to get it off my feet and [00:11:00] cultivate a positive environment.

That can be your physical environment too, and you can't always control that if it triggers your comparison, if it's your own studio or at a competition. But you can control your own focus. Literally. What are you looking at? Where are you putting your attention when you were in the studio, when you are taking class in convention? Where are you directing your focus? That is in your control.

And the fourth strategy is to set clear goals that are about your own personal growth and progress, or about the process of how you will reach your bigger outcome goals. I've shared a lot about positive goal setting strategies in episodes 160 and 1 61, I encourage you to go back and listen to those. If you would like some guidance with this, but to get out of comparison, you need to make sure that your goals are not about anyone else. They are about your own effort, progress and personal outcomes.

Overcoming comparison is a lifelong focus for [00:12:00] most of us, certainly is for me. But you can get better at dealing with it so it's less disruptive. Ultimately, when you embrace your own values, your own strengths as a dancer, what makes you a special artist? That's when you were able to focus more on your own personal journey.

So to wrap this up today, remember that comparison is a natural part of the human experience. There's nothing wrong with you when you do it, and it might be really hard to notice it or make it stop. What you can do is to learn to notice what triggers the comparison most, and then choose an action to help stop it in its tracks. So I encourage you to choose one strategy from today that you will try, next time you feel yourself in a comparison trap. Make a plan now. Maybe you need to spend this week reflecting on where your comparison comes from. Or maybe you know the triggers and it's time for a plan of action that you can take next time it happens. Will you focus on what's in your control? Or journal about your own wins lately. I was working [00:13:00] with one dancer who we created a favorites folder on her phone of the old videos that would show progress and a dose of inspiration. Maybe you need to create that folder for yourself.

Whatever action you think will help you, decide what you'll do to take back control. Next time you are upset or feeling defeated when you see another successful dancer. Because the goal is to be happier and more successful yourself and there's room for all of us to do that.

One way you can make progress today is to notice when comparison comes up for you and have a plan of action. Set clear goals about your own growth, cultivate your environment to be positive and encouraging where you can focus on what's in your control. Which is simply your effort, your focus and your own actions and intentionally reflect on and notice your growth this year.

Thank you for listening. We all have something unique and wonderful to share as dancers. So let's work to squash that comparison so we can all thrive. And please keep [00:14:00] sharing your passion for dance with the world.

Thank you for listening to passion for dance. You can find all episode resources at passionfordancepodcast. com and be sure to follow me on Instagram for more high performance tips at dr.chelsea.pierotti that's P I E R O T T I. This podcast is for passionate dancers and dance educators who are ready to change our industry by creating happier, more successful dancers. I'm Dr. Chelsea and keep sharing your passion for dance with the world.